There was this little girl at work today. That's not entirely unusual-sometimes people bring thier kids in-but there was just something about this little girl. She was everywhere at once, smiling and happy, and her mother was very aggrevated. The thing is, she wasn't being bad, just...enthusiastic. She kept interrupting her mother and me, first to show me her necklace, to hand me a book, to give me picture she had drawn. It was the picture that broke my heart. It was the most typical picture a child would draw: a house with a sun shining on it and a mommy and a little girl standing in front. You know the kind, where the people are all out of perspective. How would they ever fit through the door? I assume that to her it was a picture of her and her mother. To me it was me and my little girl. This was that little girl I could have had.
Here's what I mean. Years ago, I had thatrelationship. The one one you never really get over, even though you move on and have a whole other life. We were young and lived in different worlds. We could have forced it to work, but it would have ended eventually, even if it didn't end when it did. Ask me about sometime, and I'll tell you the story. I only bring it up today, because of the little girl. This little girl today looked just like (exactly like, I mean mirror image) this ex-lover's niece, Bruna. Of course Bruna is a grown up girl now, almost as old as I was when I met him. This little girl today could have been Bruna. And I couldn't help thinking that my little girl would have looked like that. If I had made different choices, my little girl would have looked like that.
Only. Maybe not. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to get pregnant with that first love, either. Maybe I would be in the same place I am now, giving myself injections, avoiding caffeine, feeling guilty if I have a glass of wine--all because I can't have a baby. If this is my fate, then it doesn't matter who I married. Since my infertility is "unexplained," I don't have any way of knowing if I would have been able to have a baby with anyone else.
Please don't misunderstand me. I LOVE my husband. I don't want to be married to anyone else. I don't want to try to have a baby with anyone else. I just wonder. To get where I am, did I inadvertently give up my daughters?