This cycle we have chosen to do IUI with injectables. This follows the
three IUI/Clomid cycles that were obviouslt unsuccessful. I was getting to
be very comfortable with the Clomid cycles, even though the Clomid itself
made me a weeping fool. The cycles themselves went like clockwork, we got
used to the process, and the only problem with them was that they didn't
work. This cycle is so different that I feel like we started all over. The
injections were initially intimidating, I worried about them quite a bit.
I'm used to them now. The day 3 ultrasound was also new to me, also
something I worried about in advance. It was no problem either, but it was
another change in the protocol I had been used to. Finally, the ultrasound
I had on Friday (day 8) was the first really discouraging experience I have
had since the RE said she suspected low ovarian reserve. (That was a false
alarm.) Since I hadn't had a day 8 ultrasound before, I didn't really know
what size follicles to expect. I had 2 at ten and about 8 that were too
small to measure. That seemed fine to me until the nurse, S.P., kept
telling me not to worry, that she likes to see slow stims, etc. Well, now,
I wouldn't have worried until she told me to worry. I didn't know I was
supposed to be worried. ACK! In the end, they increased my dose of Gonal-F
and I go back one day later that I initially thought.
Maybe it's just because I know that this cycle will be a waste of time, but
I wish that I could just have the IUI and be done with it already. I can
handle the two weeks. Seriously. After this cycle we are going to try
IVF. I put it off by a month by doing this cycle of injectables, mostly
because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle the injections. I didn't
want to screw up the injections and then waste my chance at IVF. Anyway,
I'm fine with the stupid injections, but if this cycles takes too long, I
might miss my window of being able to start a round of IVF before the clinic
has the year end cutoff. I'll be really ripped if it turns out that I've
screwed myself just because I was scared of the stupid shots.
There was this little girl at work today. That's not entirely unusual-sometimes people bring thier kids in-but there was just something about this little girl. She was everywhere at once, smiling and happy, and her mother was very aggrevated. The thing is, she wasn't being bad, just...enthusiastic. She kept interrupting her mother and me, first to show me her necklace, to hand me a book, to give me picture she had drawn. It was the picture that broke my heart. It was the most typical picture a child would draw: a house with a sun shining on it and a mommy and a little girl standing in front. You know the kind, where the people are all out of perspective. How would they ever fit through the door? I assume that to her it was a picture of her and her mother. To me it was me and my little girl. This was that little girl I could have had.
Here's what I mean. Years ago, I had thatrelationship. The one one you never really get over, even though you move on and have a whole other life. We were young and lived in different worlds. We could have forced it to work, but it would have ended eventually, even if it didn't end when it did. Ask me about sometime, and I'll tell you the story. I only bring it up today, because of the little girl. This little girl today looked just like (exactly like, I mean mirror image) this ex-lover's niece, Bruna. Of course Bruna is a grown up girl now, almost as old as I was when I met him. This little girl today could have been Bruna. And I couldn't help thinking that my little girl would have looked like that. If I had made different choices, my little girl would have looked like that.
Only. Maybe not. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to get pregnant with that first love, either. Maybe I would be in the same place I am now, giving myself injections, avoiding caffeine, feeling guilty if I have a glass of wine--all because I can't have a baby. If this is my fate, then it doesn't matter who I married. Since my infertility is "unexplained," I don't have any way of knowing if I would have been able to have a baby with anyone else.
Please don't misunderstand me. I LOVE my husband. I don't want to be married to anyone else. I don't want to try to have a baby with anyone else. I just wonder. To get where I am, did I inadvertently give up my daughters?