Boo to a Goose

in the swing of things

My baby girl is four months old today. I seems impossible that I have ever been without her. Can I say that maybe that is because she has always been with me in some way? That sounds more than corny, but I will refrain from taking it back. Because it's true. Her newest habit is putting her head on my shoulder and cuddling. I can't see her face when she does it, but my husband says she smiles. Best. Feeling. Ever.

 

There are things I want to talk to you about. Work. Health challenges in a newborn. Breastfeeding. Cloth diapers. Keep checking back, it's on the way.

The Renaming of Fern

So I have this Boston Fern that hangs in my bathroom.  I call it "Fern."  I know, creative, right?  It started out great, but it didn't winter well.  It really needed to be repotted, but I figured that it could wait until spring when I could do it outside.  turns out you can't neglect them like that.  Today I attacked the poor, nearly dead thing with a pair of manicure scissors to get all of the dead stuff off. (It was mostly dead stuff.)  There is still a little life in it though, in those last few green fronds:

I have decided to call it "Persistence."
 

The Nursery

We live in a pretty small house.  Not tiny, but not anything you could get lost in.  In fact, sometimes I drive past smaller houses and wonder how people manage to get all of their stuff into such a small space, especially since we just fit into the space we have.  Now it's time to add a whole other person and that person's stuff.  Ack!  The room that will be the baby's room used to be the guest room/my office.  I really liked having a central place to call my own, but I am willing to trade that for smelling the top of the baby's head six or seven hundred times a day. 

The cool thing about creating a "nursery" is that we have never really had the means or the opportunity to decorate a whole room from scratch before.  This has been fun, if challenging.  First, the room is tiny and there is no closet.  There is a closet door, but it is deceptive as it really just leads up to the attic.  I imagine that we will be putting a lock on that door soon.  So we have this tiny space to work with, but it's been fun.  The crib we chose is pretty, but very impractical in that there is no space underneath for storage.  (There is room for a cat or two...) The dresser is great because we can use the top as a changing table, but that meant that we had to get the longer dresser so it would be low enough.  There is an old bookcase that used to be one of mine.  While it has seen better days, it is mostly hidden behind the door, so that's fine with me.  Add a mirror above the dresser and a gilder and ottoman for long sleepless nights and the room is already more than full.  I hope the baby fits!

Third trimester symptoms

My husband keeps referring to having three more months to go...as in three more months for my belly to get bigger, three more months of being out of breath, etc.  I keep reminding him that we are now in the countdown of less than three months.  Maybe it doesn't sound like a big difference, but it makes all of the difference to me.  Two and a half months more of each little thing doesn't sound as HARD as three months sound.  Especially when it comes to meeting my new baby.  The shorter sounding the wait, the better. 

So.  The third trimester.  I've been hearing about all of the super uncomfortable things that await me for a while.  Here's what I have going on so far:  Backaches--they have been around for quite a while, so this isn't new to the trimester.  Nosebleeds were part of the late second trimester, but I haven't had one in a while.  That's good-they are disconcerting....   My bladder seems to have shrunk, so I have a lot more peeing going on than before.  Since this is something I didn't experience at the beginning of my pregnancy, I won't complain.  Shortness of breath--this comes on after a very small amount of exertion, but it resolves itself pretty quickly.  The worst thing so far seems to be swollen ankles, feet and (sometimes) hands.  This is a huge pain, by far my biggest complaint.  For one thing, I really used to like my ankles.  Now, they are only a memory.  For another thing, I hate feeling like I am walking on sponges. Blech.  I have tried lots of different methods to keep the swelling down and it seems like the only thing I can really do is to alternate periods of activity with periods of sitting with my feet up.  This makes the work day kind of awkward.  I'm pretty sure the swelling started last week when there were a few unseasonably hot days and the inside of the office was sweltering.  The last couple of days have been more moderate and it doesn't seem so bad.  Today I did some yard work with my husband and later stood at the ironing board for about an hour.  That was followed by a shift at work where I had to sit at the high counter chair without being able to put my feet up at all.  The feet are swollen, but they don't feel all squishy, and they don't tingle up to my knees like before.  Looks like progress, but I dread another heat wave.

Why am I writing about all of these complaints?  I don't really mean them as complaints--more like documentation of my current state.  Besides, if anything gets worse, I'll be able to look back here and get a sense of how long it has been going on. 

Anybody out there with thoughts on how to get my ankles back?

Puts the "strange" in stranger...

I am a relatively private person.  Too bad for me, since there is apparently no privacy allowed for a pregnant person.  I am fine with most of the comments that I get, even from strangers.  This morning, however, I really had a hard time maintaining any level of stranger courtesy.  Here's the story:

I was at the crosswalk near my building.  There was only one other person waiting to cross--a middle aged man. My crosswalk etiquette does not include conversation.  Apparently that isn't everyone's style.  Middle aged guy asks when I am due.  Hmm. Have I done something to make it seem like I want to start a conversation?   Eye contact? No. Smile? Absolutely not.  Anyway, there was no reason not to answer, even if the question was coming from nowhere.  So I responded, "June." One word.  No encouraging further conversation.  Too bad for me.  Next question was whether the baby is my first.  (Why do people ask that?)  Answer, "yup."  Somewhat less polite, but I really just want to cross the street.  In response to "Boy or girl?" I answered, "no idea."  To this he proudly responds, "Ahhh...chef's choice....."

Chef's choice?  What the hell?  I couldn't get across the street fast enough.

Gratitude

So, yesterday's post was a wee bit whiny.  Sorry about that.  I really have to watch myself--negativity is my tendency.  I have to make a real effort to put a positive spin on things.  The upside to that is that when I am able to stay positive, I really appreciate the feeling.  Like most things, it's worth more when you have to work for it. 

That's how I feel about this baby.  I know I would have loved any baby that I might have had.  I know other people have no trouble making families and they love and appreciate them.  For me though, while I am sad to think of all of the potential babies we didn't conceive, I am so grateful for this baby.  This is the baby that will make us a family.  How lucky are we that we get these moments, this anticipation.  We worked hard for this and we are experiencing everything mindfully. Even the parts that kind of suck.  :)  Every backache reminds me that I longed for backaches, and cravings, and putting on weight.  And the milestones we have seen so far!  Appointments and ultra-sounds, passing 24 weeks, buying furniture and starting to organize the nursery!  There have been so many fun moments--these are the things I was waiting for.

hormonal ranting

Well, we are at 26 weeks and things seem to be moving right along.  I am a little concerned about the baby's movement--sometimes I feel a lot, sometimes there is hardly any all day.  I almost wish I had purchased one of those silly dopplers so I could reassure myself that everything is OK.  Instead, I spend time trying to "wake up" the baby just to feel some movement.  Why yes, I do over-think things.  Thanks for noticing.

In other news, I have started to get frustrated with the politics behind baby gifts.  Some gifts have started to arrive. (Mostly from the grandmothers. There is no frustration on this front, just gratitude.  Honestly.  It's your grandkid.  Buy whatever you want.  We thank you very much.)  Aside from family, though, I am starting to hear comments about either what I have chosen to put on my registry or what is missing.  Dude.  Thanks for caring.  Example:  I was approached this week by a very well wishing acquaintance who was concerned that I hadn't put a high chair on the silly registry.  Didn't I know that I need one? Um.  Are you really asking that?  Did you think that I have spent my entire life in a cave?  In actuality, I happen to have that taken care of already.  Don't need a high chair. But thanks for asking.  Also, please don't mock the decisions I have made.  Yes, I am going to use cloth diapers.  No, I am not insane and you really don't need to laugh at me or pat me on the head as if I am simple...Ack!  Yes, I know that having a baby is a lot of work.  Yes, I understand that cloth diapers need to be washed.  Look, I have my reasons.  I am an educated, financially solvent (most of the time), employed adult.  I have thought out the risks and benefits.  Maybe this wouldn't have fit into your lifestyle, but I think it will work for me.  Let it go.  Anyway--about the baby gifts.  They are so appreciated.  But honestly, if you disagree with something I have asked for, just get a different thing.  Or even nothing.  There is no one in my life that I keep around just for the potential of getting a gift.  But please, don't try to make the pregnant lady feel stupid.  I am already hormonal enough without being upset over even more silly things....

Maybe the reason that I don't ever get around to writing a blog post is that I feel like my parameters are too narrow. I initally started the blog to write about dealing with infertility after two years of being unable to concieve on my own. (Yes, I know husbands/partners are required--that's not the OWN I was referring to.) Since we were so fantastically lucky as to find ourselves pregnant after a mere four IUIs, I wasn't really feeling like I had the right to go on writing about infertility. Especially when some of the blogs I read feature women who have gone through multiple IVFs without success or (even worse) losses of precious babies. I obviously haven't suffered enough to write about infertility.
I will say that I count my blessings every day that this pregnancy seems to be progressing well. Baby and I are two days away from the 24 week mark, what I have been calling viability day. I have been very worried about preterm delivery, even though I really don't have any concrete reason. I think it's partly because of my family history with the same, and partly because I remember the RE discussing higher complication rates among ART babies. In spite of the words of my RE, my OB insists that there is no inherited tendency to prematurity nor connection between my IUI and a chance of preterm birth. I honestly think he was just blowing sunshine, but I have decided to try to believe him and just move on. In that vein, I even went to BRU today and placed an order for the baby's dresser. You know, as a viability present.

making an effort

So it's not really a blog if you only post once a season...

I've been holding off, trying to decide what I want to share with the universe and what I should keep to myself.  Long story short, the fourth IUI worked.  We found out that I am pregnant in October and I am due at the end of June.  I have been very careful about saying anything because I don't want to have to retract or explain if something happens to the pregnancy.  The thing is, I can feel the baby move now, so it seems so possible that we will meet him/her before long. 

My goal has been to be positive and send the baby nothing but loving thoughts.  There is always some worry, but I figure that I am his mother--for no matter how long it lasts. 

Waiting to wait-- the days before the IUI

This cycle we have chosen to do IUI with injectables. This follows the three IUI/Clomid cycles that were obviouslt unsuccessful. I was getting to be very comfortable with the Clomid cycles, even though the Clomid itself made me a weeping fool. The cycles themselves went like clockwork, we got used to the process, and the only problem with them was that they didn't work. This cycle is so different that I feel like we started all over. The injections were initially intimidating, I worried about them quite a bit. I'm used to them now. The day 3 ultrasound was also new to me, also something I worried about in advance. It was no problem either, but it was another change in the protocol I had been used to. Finally, the ultrasound I had on Friday (day 8) was the first really discouraging experience I have had since the RE said she suspected low ovarian reserve. (That was a false alarm.) Since I hadn't had a day 8 ultrasound before, I didn't really know what size follicles to expect. I had 2 at ten and about 8 that were too small to measure. That seemed fine to me until the nurse, S.P., kept telling me not to worry, that she likes to see slow stims, etc. Well, now, I wouldn't have worried until she told me to worry. I didn't know I was supposed to be worried. ACK! In the end, they increased my dose of Gonal-F and I go back one day later that I initially thought. Maybe it's just because I know that this cycle will be a waste of time, but I wish that I could just have the IUI and be done with it already. I can handle the two weeks. Seriously. After this cycle we are going to try IVF. I put it off by a month by doing this cycle of injectables, mostly because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle the injections. I didn't want to screw up the injections and then waste my chance at IVF. Anyway, I'm fine with the stupid injections, but if this cycles takes too long, I might miss my window of being able to start a round of IVF before the clinic has the year end cutoff. I'll be really ripped if it turns out that I've screwed myself just because I was scared of the stupid shots.